It is very me to put on a happy face in spite of what's going on inside.
Take my senior design. Morale is at an all-time low. It's not a slight against my teammates' abilities when I say this, but I feel if I personally don't come through with a big breakthrough, we're going to be in trouble. I'm worried about so many contingencies that nobody else has thought of, I'm trying to help others with portions of the design, my portions are suffering - it's all a mess. We put in enormous amounts of effort day-in and day-out for little to no measurable gain. Morale is low, people are disillusioned, and if I stop that happy-face stubborn bulldog I-don't-ever-quit attitude, everything will fall apart. We all feel the same way, but instead of letting negativity show, I keep going. I can't quit. When everyone around me is pessimistic, I keep running. I keep the happy face. The stress is overwhelming.
I don't know how to do anything else, though. I may fail. I may lose. I may suffer setbacks. I don't ever, EVER quit. It's not a cliche thing, like "losing isn't in my vocabulary," because it certainly is. I know that too well, too often. My life has been full of second-place finishes. Almost A-team finishes. "You're a great guy, but..." finishes. Close, but not there, finishes. What I try to live by, though, comes from the words of Gene Kranz, the NASA flight director during the Apollo 13 disaster. "Failure is not an option." Bad things happen, but I don't ever accept them; I never accept failure as a final option. I won't accept it. I can't accept it.
It's a great character flaw to have (half-sarcasm). I've hurt people because I don't know when to give up. I've hurt other peoples' perception of me because I keep coming back for more, even though I'm playing a losing game. I've hurt myself, being too proud to ask for help. It's still a strength, I think, just one that comes with its consequences.
I've been burning the candle at both ends for this whole semester. Rarely a day goes by where I'm not up at 6 AM, working on something. Most days I have class+work breakfast to dinner straight, with no breaks in between. Then more homework, studying and senior design. I spend many more hours than my peers, alone, struggling for mediocre grades. I might see my friends once or twice. From wakeup to bedtime there's hardly a waking moment of rest. My video games don't exist anymore, I don't get to watch TV with friends anymore. I work myself to exhaustion every night, and wake up earlier the next day to get more done. It's dark. I have to fight myself for every inch. I don't know how much longer I'm supposed to keep this up. I just have to keep going for a few more months, until I graduate.
Somehow, I always find a way. :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
TGIFF
TGIFF!
I went into Monday with the feeling that it was going to be a good week, and I was right!
Tuesday I got my first callback for an interview at Diebold in North Canton for their Electronics Engineer position. Super pumped, mainly because I've been worried that with my lack of experience and GPA getting to the interview stage would be problematic. I feel really confident in interviews, though - they're my chance to show what I've got, and that I'm better than a number on a piece of paper! Interview is next Tuesday - I tried to ask for one during spring break, but they wanted to get me in earlier than that. They told me that they know students are going to career fairs and interviewing around, and that they wanted to get my in ASAP to show me what they had there, so I think that's a good sign!
Thursday was my 23rd birthday! Nothing like having two labs on your birthday, but I'm not complaining - my birthday would always be during finals on quarters, but now that we're on semesters, I'm in the clear! Family came up to take me out to dinner, which was really nice of them, especially considering that it was a 3 hour round trip for them. The restaurant we were planning on going to was closed, though, so we went to Lima for Olive Garden instead.
Awesome best friend sneaking a ton of cupcakes into my room while I was in class made my day! <3 Emily
Birthday wishes all around and a nice day :)
Officially started my lenten resolution of working out. First time going during lent was rough, it was a 8-5:00 day without breaks in between classes/work shifts, plus Ash Wednesday mass sandwiched by senior design, workout, and more senior design. The only time I was in my room that day other than waking up and going to sleep was when I went back to change for the mass! I may be of average height and slim, but I am in no way in shape, and I want to change that. I have been pretty sore since then due to this and this, but working out and continuing some of the physical therapy stuff I've had is going to help. I've been so busy with school lately, which has resulted in a lot of sitting in front of computers all day, so I've resolved to become more active (especially because it's still cold and wet and not rollerblading weather).
Next week is spring breaaaaaaaaak! (Well, there's a lot of homework and exams between now and then...)
TGIFF!
I went into Monday with the feeling that it was going to be a good week, and I was right!
Tuesday I got my first callback for an interview at Diebold in North Canton for their Electronics Engineer position. Super pumped, mainly because I've been worried that with my lack of experience and GPA getting to the interview stage would be problematic. I feel really confident in interviews, though - they're my chance to show what I've got, and that I'm better than a number on a piece of paper! Interview is next Tuesday - I tried to ask for one during spring break, but they wanted to get me in earlier than that. They told me that they know students are going to career fairs and interviewing around, and that they wanted to get my in ASAP to show me what they had there, so I think that's a good sign!
Thursday was my 23rd birthday! Nothing like having two labs on your birthday, but I'm not complaining - my birthday would always be during finals on quarters, but now that we're on semesters, I'm in the clear! Family came up to take me out to dinner, which was really nice of them, especially considering that it was a 3 hour round trip for them. The restaurant we were planning on going to was closed, though, so we went to Lima for Olive Garden instead.
Awesome best friend sneaking a ton of cupcakes into my room while I was in class made my day! <3 Emily
Birthday wishes all around and a nice day :)
Officially started my lenten resolution of working out. First time going during lent was rough, it was a 8-5:00 day without breaks in between classes/work shifts, plus Ash Wednesday mass sandwiched by senior design, workout, and more senior design. The only time I was in my room that day other than waking up and going to sleep was when I went back to change for the mass! I may be of average height and slim, but I am in no way in shape, and I want to change that. I have been pretty sore since then due to this and this, but working out and continuing some of the physical therapy stuff I've had is going to help. I've been so busy with school lately, which has resulted in a lot of sitting in front of computers all day, so I've resolved to become more active (especially because it's still cold and wet and not rollerblading weather).
Next week is spring breaaaaaaaaak! (Well, there's a lot of homework and exams between now and then...)
TGIFF!
Friday, February 17, 2012
TGIFF
I figured this blog wouldn't be very interesting if it was nothing but me complaining all the time, so I figured I'd summarize some of the happier things that happened this week.
Monday: The first of all of the long days I've had this week, we had our Spotts Lecture in the evening. Class all day, got to go out to dinner with my dad and a colleague of his (who were attending the lecture) and my friends, which was awesome. The lecture was on the role engineers at the Mayo Clinic. Started off a little slow with the "ancient" history of the clinic, but finally got to some really interesting things. It was neat to see how engineers and physicians collaborate to come up with some truly astounding stuff. It also helps that I was familiar with the medical engineering field, since my dad's worked in it for a long time - picked up a lot over the years.
Tuesday: More work on senior design, more work at work. This week's been a blur, totally blanking out about Tuesday...
Wednesday: Review board for our senior design project. It was not fun - being done with it was a very good feeling. Attended presentation afterward from Fenetech / Rovisys, got some good pointers for the career fair the next day.
Thursday: Two labs with a career fair sandwiched between them. Sprinted through the first lab, dressed up all professional-like. Went to the career fair, talked a long time with staff from both Rovisys and Diebold. Talked to two different engineers from Rovisys for awhile, learned more about the company, told a few jokes, told I was at least getting a callback. They seemed fairly interested in me, but since they don't do the hiring themselves, they couldn't guarantee much more than a callback. I'm really interested in Rovisys because they have positions that actually interest me, and they seem like a very friendly and relaxed workplace. I had a phone interview with Diebold last November, but at that time, they were only looking for winter graduates. They remembered who I was (one staff member at the fair was the one who interviewed me), which was very promising. Will be hearing back from them in a week or two, very excited to see if I can grab interviews with both. They're both EE jobs in the area of electronics/systems engineering, which is my preferred discipline. Both companies are also very near to some close friends and family, which would be awesome to have close! I also talked to a handful of other companies and distributed resumes, but those two companies really stood out to me.
Friday: Getting a not-so-fun Control Systems exam out of the way, then cruising through the rest of classes/work before hanging out with friends. TGIFF!
Monday: The first of all of the long days I've had this week, we had our Spotts Lecture in the evening. Class all day, got to go out to dinner with my dad and a colleague of his (who were attending the lecture) and my friends, which was awesome. The lecture was on the role engineers at the Mayo Clinic. Started off a little slow with the "ancient" history of the clinic, but finally got to some really interesting things. It was neat to see how engineers and physicians collaborate to come up with some truly astounding stuff. It also helps that I was familiar with the medical engineering field, since my dad's worked in it for a long time - picked up a lot over the years.
Tuesday: More work on senior design, more work at work. This week's been a blur, totally blanking out about Tuesday...
Wednesday: Review board for our senior design project. It was not fun - being done with it was a very good feeling. Attended presentation afterward from Fenetech / Rovisys, got some good pointers for the career fair the next day.
Thursday: Two labs with a career fair sandwiched between them. Sprinted through the first lab, dressed up all professional-like. Went to the career fair, talked a long time with staff from both Rovisys and Diebold. Talked to two different engineers from Rovisys for awhile, learned more about the company, told a few jokes, told I was at least getting a callback. They seemed fairly interested in me, but since they don't do the hiring themselves, they couldn't guarantee much more than a callback. I'm really interested in Rovisys because they have positions that actually interest me, and they seem like a very friendly and relaxed workplace. I had a phone interview with Diebold last November, but at that time, they were only looking for winter graduates. They remembered who I was (one staff member at the fair was the one who interviewed me), which was very promising. Will be hearing back from them in a week or two, very excited to see if I can grab interviews with both. They're both EE jobs in the area of electronics/systems engineering, which is my preferred discipline. Both companies are also very near to some close friends and family, which would be awesome to have close! I also talked to a handful of other companies and distributed resumes, but those two companies really stood out to me.
Friday: Getting a not-so-fun Control Systems exam out of the way, then cruising through the rest of classes/work before hanging out with friends. TGIFF!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
ADD and me, part 2
Before I get ahead of myself, let me describe how exactly things work, and how things are different for me.
I'll quote wikipedia here first: "ADHD-PI is similar to the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, and forgetfulness; where it differs is in lethargy - fatigue, and having fewer or no symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic."
You may notice that I seem either shy, distant, or distracted. These are all true. Yes, I do have that stare-off-into-space look that I am caught frequently doing. Sure, I have a 50/50 shot that I'm still absorbing outside information while in that "pose." (Not to further any ADD stereotypes, but I left my dresser open and my cat jumped inside and started mewing at me, so cute! Just had to comment on that.) I'm sorry if this seems disconcerting; I'm not bored per se, I'm either listening but semi-awkwardly don't feel like making eye contact and have no other good place to look, or I'm thinking about something else.
ADD not only comes with inattentiveness and a lack of the ability to focus, but also what I'd like to call an extreme aversion to hard work. Motivation-wise, I know that if a task is difficult, it becomes exceedingly hard to want to finish it, just because one can't get it out of their head how hard, long, and complex the task is. Take any long EE homework I have to to. The problems we often have are very long, multi-step problems. Running into roadblocks or snags in the process of doing these problems is extremely frustrating and flustering, causing a lot of wasted time and repetition of problem-statement checking, fact checking, etc. It also happens where I will want to do literally anything but the complex problem before me. Don't get me wrong here, I do really like being organized, neat, and having a clean living environment, but I will literally want to clean my room, get everything organized, in shape, dusted, folded, etc, then finish my work.
Because of all these factors, the amount of work I have to put in to keep up with everyone else, the extreme struggling I have to do to just merely stay afloat, is exhausting. Nobody realizes how heartbreaking and angering it is to see people succeed in school and life with so little effort compared to the amount I put in. It nearly puts me to tears seeing people getting A's and B's on tests they barely studied for while I'm getting C's and D's while working my ass off. It feels like I'm a supercar on ice: I feel like I have a ton of brainpower, but most of the time I just sit here, wheels spinning, struggling to apply any of it.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refuse to realize ADD/ADHD is a real and serious disorder. I can brush off the "I'm so ADD"-like remarks no problem, but when people really believe that this condition is nothing more than making excuses for being lazy or stupid, it makes me sad. ADD/ADHD is genetic - my youngest brother also struggles. Much more so than I have. I have no idea how I would have coped with the way I felt throughout college at the elementary level; to fathom struggling at that critical foundational level of education is chilling.
I think that's all I'm willing to say on the subject for now. Maybe more later. I don't know if this has been shocking, informative, or boring to you. This is just what I deal with.
I'll quote wikipedia here first: "ADHD-PI is similar to the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, and forgetfulness; where it differs is in lethargy - fatigue, and having fewer or no symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic."
You may notice that I seem either shy, distant, or distracted. These are all true. Yes, I do have that stare-off-into-space look that I am caught frequently doing. Sure, I have a 50/50 shot that I'm still absorbing outside information while in that "pose." (Not to further any ADD stereotypes, but I left my dresser open and my cat jumped inside and started mewing at me, so cute! Just had to comment on that.) I'm sorry if this seems disconcerting; I'm not bored per se, I'm either listening but semi-awkwardly don't feel like making eye contact and have no other good place to look, or I'm thinking about something else.
ADD not only comes with inattentiveness and a lack of the ability to focus, but also what I'd like to call an extreme aversion to hard work. Motivation-wise, I know that if a task is difficult, it becomes exceedingly hard to want to finish it, just because one can't get it out of their head how hard, long, and complex the task is. Take any long EE homework I have to to. The problems we often have are very long, multi-step problems. Running into roadblocks or snags in the process of doing these problems is extremely frustrating and flustering, causing a lot of wasted time and repetition of problem-statement checking, fact checking, etc. It also happens where I will want to do literally anything but the complex problem before me. Don't get me wrong here, I do really like being organized, neat, and having a clean living environment, but I will literally want to clean my room, get everything organized, in shape, dusted, folded, etc, then finish my work.
Because of all these factors, the amount of work I have to put in to keep up with everyone else, the extreme struggling I have to do to just merely stay afloat, is exhausting. Nobody realizes how heartbreaking and angering it is to see people succeed in school and life with so little effort compared to the amount I put in. It nearly puts me to tears seeing people getting A's and B's on tests they barely studied for while I'm getting C's and D's while working my ass off. It feels like I'm a supercar on ice: I feel like I have a ton of brainpower, but most of the time I just sit here, wheels spinning, struggling to apply any of it.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refuse to realize ADD/ADHD is a real and serious disorder. I can brush off the "I'm so ADD"-like remarks no problem, but when people really believe that this condition is nothing more than making excuses for being lazy or stupid, it makes me sad. ADD/ADHD is genetic - my youngest brother also struggles. Much more so than I have. I have no idea how I would have coped with the way I felt throughout college at the elementary level; to fathom struggling at that critical foundational level of education is chilling.
I think that's all I'm willing to say on the subject for now. Maybe more later. I don't know if this has been shocking, informative, or boring to you. This is just what I deal with.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Faith
Born and raised Roman Catholic. Catholic schooling kindergarten through high school. My entire immediate extended family is Catholic; never have I known anything else. Yet, I think I view my faith in a very different manner than most. I struggle with it all the time.
It is one of my strongest convictions in life, that questioning IS faith. Now this may call to mind the story of "Doubting Thomas" (somewhere in John, I think). I guess I could say that I kind of mirror St. Thomas in a few respects. I have a very analytical and scientific mind - I do not take anything for granted without internalizing it first. Because of the way I approach things, "blind faith" is an extremely foreign concept to me. I cannot come to accept things without struggling with them first. Kudos to you who can accept their faith for what it is. For me, fighting it, and fighting for it, is faith.
Recently I've been questioning where I've been going in life. I've said that this will be the biggest year of my life. I will finally be out of the academic world, and into the real world - the biggest change in my life so far. Throughout this process of "growing up," I've really become nervous. I feel like I've changed so much this past year, some for good, some for bad. I've grown out of old things, started new things, met new friends, have ignored old ones all too often. I've made big changes in how I view life, and what I do with mine. Recently I've been doing the whole "Why me?" thing in regards to my relationship with God.
Shit happens. I like that phrase. Things happen that are out of our control. For the most part, I've learned to not worry about the things I cannot change. Still, the stark realization that I will graduate in 3 months, completely on my own for the very first time, is terrifying. So much throughout my college career could have gone so much more differently; now I'm trying to come to terms with myself that I shouldn't live with any regret for things that have or haven't happened. And it's difficult. This is where the "why me?" comes in. A few months ago, a good part of any communication with God that I've had has been of the "why me?" form. Name something that hasn't gone right for me? "Why me?"
This all comes back to my questioning nature. Maybe it's part of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' Theory of DABDA. I've certainly been in denial about a lot of things recently. I'm the least angry person I know. There has certainly been a lot of bargaining recently, too. There's been some depression for sure. Getting to that acceptance stage, eventually. I've been struggling with coming to terms with a lot of things, all asking "Why me?"
Recently, each week at church, it seems like I've been getting a small piece of the puzzle. A reading here, a homily there, an insight while praying. I haven't gotten answers to any of my questions, not directly at least. Instead, I've been getting ways to change my outlook on things. I've been slowly transitioning from a "Why me?" attitude to a "What are you going to do about it?" attitude. Part of the skeptical in me says in the back of my mind that this is just a coping mechanism - if God really wanted to say something to you, he'd say it. Maybe it is a coping mechanism. God talks to different people in different ways. Whatever it is, I'm on my own path with God, and I am (reluctantly, hopefully, nervously, anxiously, excitedly) moving forward.
As hard as it is to accept these things that I cannot change, I'm getting there.
As hard as it is to raise above the noise and confusion that is my extremely busy last semester, I'm getting there.
As hard as it is to accept a plan for my future, I'm getting there.
Maybe "Why me?" was the right question. Examining this question has helped me much more than any other question I've asked myself. It has led to many other questions, and a few answers on its own. I can't keep from asking questions.
Maybe questioning IS faith. Maybe I just need to find the right questions.
Friday, February 3, 2012
ADD and me, part 1
I don't really like to share this with everyone I meet. It's not something that just comes up in casual conversation, even with most of my friends. There's some stigma that Attention Deficit Disorder is either made up, not a real problem, or a cry for attention. Believe me when I say it is a very real thing. Trust me when I say you've known someone who has struggled with it. It's me.
I like to feel I am very self-sufficient. I like being able to solve things on my own. For the longest time, I refused to ask for any help. I don't feel like it was an act of avoiding showing weakness, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. Whether it's doing a homework problem, a financial situation, a decision I have to make, I never liked having to ask for help.
Then I started struggling. School. Grades. Life.
I finally woke up and realized that I needed help. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far, but also probably the most significant. To this day, I still feel like I would have failed out of the college of engineering without some sort of intercession. Yes, that serious.
For me, I never struggled throughout grade school with anything. I was reading in kindergarten. I was getting scolded for finishing novels before the rest of the class had finished a handful of chapters. I had to do the stupid math computer programs all by myself in the library because I "graduated out" of the ones the rest of the class was in. I was always held up as one of the smart kids. I was in some weird program that had me take the SAT when I was in the 7th and 8th grades (sure I got a combined 1000/1600, but come on...). I went to one of the most academically challenging high schools in the state, graduated with a 3.5 overall. No real problems there. I really should stop sounding like I'm trying to brag...Then I hit a wall. Sure, high school was challenging, I had to put a lot of work into learning and finishing homework (but hours and hours of homework each night was expected at where I attended).
That wall. Whatever it was, I wasn't used to it. Everybody always said you shouldn't expect college to be as easy as high school. This, somehow, was different. I was having trouble absorbing and remembering the most basic concepts. The calculus series was hell for me. We could go topic to topic, and I would feel that I understood what was going on. Get to exams, completely blank. I often describe my learning disability is like having memory gaps: I literally can have no recollection of what I've learned. Because of this, I am an extremely proficient note-taker. Firstly, it helps me keep on task by having a constant activity to keep me engaged in doing something. Second, because of these gaps in my memory, it is extremely helpful to have plentiful examples. Lastly, I completely forgot my other point in the process of writing this paragraph. Maybe it will come back to me later. All I can say is that it really, really sucks.
I can do well enough to fake it. That's why the doctors were so surprised. Usually patients with these issues can only cover it up for so long before the cracks begin to show - for someone to get to college before collapsing was a large abnormality. And yes, I will use the word collapse. My education, my being, my entire life was being built with shoddy materials. It was a losing battle, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. Seeking help finally saved me. The stress, the pain, the frustration was unreal. Maybe eventually I can talk about that more. With ROTC and the extra classes I was taking, I was pulling 20, 21, even 22 credit hours, and barely keeping it together. In my process of getting help, I planned to spread my curriculum out to graduate in 5 years.
Spreading my curriculum, seeing a psychologist, and starting medication saved my academic career. It saved my sanity. It saved my life. I will say with absolute certainty that this is not a prevented-suicide "saved my life;" that thought has luckily never, ever entered my head. Instead, I became a mostly reclusive video gamer. I look back upon most of my college social career with extreme regret. Yes, I had plenty enough friends and aquaintances, but I feel like I neved did anything. Outside of the digital realm, I was non-existent. All I did was play video games with that tight circle of friends, and hardly anything else. Not to offend any of you who fall into the afforementioned circle, of course. I just feel like, although I had plenty of fun, those were somehow empty years.
My senior year here at college, I've really fallen out of the whole gaming scene. I still play games new and old, but not as much as before. I've met new friends, I do things for entertainment outside of my computer chair, and study and work harder at learning than I ever have before. I've changed. I hope for the better. Some have noticed. I've worried some. I've forgotten some. I'm sorry for some.
I recently added up all of the "calendar hours" (timeslots that I am committed to be doing something) that I have in this, my last, term. Between 18 credit hours, 11 hours of work, and senior design, I have 40 total hours every week. Yes, forty. This is BEFORE any homework, studying, or projects outside of senior design. Remembering how I struggle, and how it takes me much longer to finish any tasks, and you have a recipe for stress! I disappear for hours to complete tasks that should only take one. I can't concentrate late at night; instead I wake up early to get work done. I'm still recovering from a 5-hours-of-sleep-night followed by a wake up at 6 am to get work done on a day that went from 6 am to 4:30 pm with no breaks in between engagements.
It's the little things in life that are the best. Although I really like to think myself as a forward-thinker, I really tend to live in the immediate moment. I like to have plans, but improvisation is one of my strongest suits. I think it comes with the condition. I can often describe what it's like as my brain going too fast for me to keep up. Mumbling, slight stuttering, dyslexic-like mistakes, they all happen because I can't articulate quickly enough what my brain is spewing forth. It's really frustrating to have two or three great thoughts at once, and lose one, two, or even all of them at once just because I can't get them out before they slip away. I was once told that if you interrupt ADD people while they're doing something and ask them to do something else, one of those 2 things wont get done. Sometimes both. This is very true.
Before I ignore my homework any further, and before I write a textbook, I shall stop for this post. More on this subject will come later. My hand hovers over the publish button. Nobody knows I'm writing this. Submit. It's done now.
I like to feel I am very self-sufficient. I like being able to solve things on my own. For the longest time, I refused to ask for any help. I don't feel like it was an act of avoiding showing weakness, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. Whether it's doing a homework problem, a financial situation, a decision I have to make, I never liked having to ask for help.
Then I started struggling. School. Grades. Life.
I finally woke up and realized that I needed help. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far, but also probably the most significant. To this day, I still feel like I would have failed out of the college of engineering without some sort of intercession. Yes, that serious.
For me, I never struggled throughout grade school with anything. I was reading in kindergarten. I was getting scolded for finishing novels before the rest of the class had finished a handful of chapters. I had to do the stupid math computer programs all by myself in the library because I "graduated out" of the ones the rest of the class was in. I was always held up as one of the smart kids. I was in some weird program that had me take the SAT when I was in the 7th and 8th grades (sure I got a combined 1000/1600, but come on...). I went to one of the most academically challenging high schools in the state, graduated with a 3.5 overall. No real problems there. I really should stop sounding like I'm trying to brag...Then I hit a wall. Sure, high school was challenging, I had to put a lot of work into learning and finishing homework (but hours and hours of homework each night was expected at where I attended).
That wall. Whatever it was, I wasn't used to it. Everybody always said you shouldn't expect college to be as easy as high school. This, somehow, was different. I was having trouble absorbing and remembering the most basic concepts. The calculus series was hell for me. We could go topic to topic, and I would feel that I understood what was going on. Get to exams, completely blank. I often describe my learning disability is like having memory gaps: I literally can have no recollection of what I've learned. Because of this, I am an extremely proficient note-taker. Firstly, it helps me keep on task by having a constant activity to keep me engaged in doing something. Second, because of these gaps in my memory, it is extremely helpful to have plentiful examples. Lastly, I completely forgot my other point in the process of writing this paragraph. Maybe it will come back to me later. All I can say is that it really, really sucks.
I can do well enough to fake it. That's why the doctors were so surprised. Usually patients with these issues can only cover it up for so long before the cracks begin to show - for someone to get to college before collapsing was a large abnormality. And yes, I will use the word collapse. My education, my being, my entire life was being built with shoddy materials. It was a losing battle, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. Seeking help finally saved me. The stress, the pain, the frustration was unreal. Maybe eventually I can talk about that more. With ROTC and the extra classes I was taking, I was pulling 20, 21, even 22 credit hours, and barely keeping it together. In my process of getting help, I planned to spread my curriculum out to graduate in 5 years.
Spreading my curriculum, seeing a psychologist, and starting medication saved my academic career. It saved my sanity. It saved my life. I will say with absolute certainty that this is not a prevented-suicide "saved my life;" that thought has luckily never, ever entered my head. Instead, I became a mostly reclusive video gamer. I look back upon most of my college social career with extreme regret. Yes, I had plenty enough friends and aquaintances, but I feel like I neved did anything. Outside of the digital realm, I was non-existent. All I did was play video games with that tight circle of friends, and hardly anything else. Not to offend any of you who fall into the afforementioned circle, of course. I just feel like, although I had plenty of fun, those were somehow empty years.
My senior year here at college, I've really fallen out of the whole gaming scene. I still play games new and old, but not as much as before. I've met new friends, I do things for entertainment outside of my computer chair, and study and work harder at learning than I ever have before. I've changed. I hope for the better. Some have noticed. I've worried some. I've forgotten some. I'm sorry for some.
I recently added up all of the "calendar hours" (timeslots that I am committed to be doing something) that I have in this, my last, term. Between 18 credit hours, 11 hours of work, and senior design, I have 40 total hours every week. Yes, forty. This is BEFORE any homework, studying, or projects outside of senior design. Remembering how I struggle, and how it takes me much longer to finish any tasks, and you have a recipe for stress! I disappear for hours to complete tasks that should only take one. I can't concentrate late at night; instead I wake up early to get work done. I'm still recovering from a 5-hours-of-sleep-night followed by a wake up at 6 am to get work done on a day that went from 6 am to 4:30 pm with no breaks in between engagements.
It's the little things in life that are the best. Although I really like to think myself as a forward-thinker, I really tend to live in the immediate moment. I like to have plans, but improvisation is one of my strongest suits. I think it comes with the condition. I can often describe what it's like as my brain going too fast for me to keep up. Mumbling, slight stuttering, dyslexic-like mistakes, they all happen because I can't articulate quickly enough what my brain is spewing forth. It's really frustrating to have two or three great thoughts at once, and lose one, two, or even all of them at once just because I can't get them out before they slip away. I was once told that if you interrupt ADD people while they're doing something and ask them to do something else, one of those 2 things wont get done. Sometimes both. This is very true.
Before I ignore my homework any further, and before I write a textbook, I shall stop for this post. More on this subject will come later. My hand hovers over the publish button. Nobody knows I'm writing this. Submit. It's done now.
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