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It's not just a disorder that makes one have a shorter attention span than other people, or one that makes people lazy. Saying "I'm so ADD" is insulting, because you have no idea how deep it really goes.
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
ADD and me, part 3
It's not just a disorder that makes one have a shorter attention span than other people, or one that makes people lazy. Saying "I'm so ADD" is insulting, because you have no idea how deep it really goes.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
ADD and me, part 2
Before I get ahead of myself, let me describe how exactly things work, and how things are different for me.
I'll quote wikipedia here first: "ADHD-PI is similar to the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, and forgetfulness; where it differs is in lethargy - fatigue, and having fewer or no symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic."
You may notice that I seem either shy, distant, or distracted. These are all true. Yes, I do have that stare-off-into-space look that I am caught frequently doing. Sure, I have a 50/50 shot that I'm still absorbing outside information while in that "pose." (Not to further any ADD stereotypes, but I left my dresser open and my cat jumped inside and started mewing at me, so cute! Just had to comment on that.) I'm sorry if this seems disconcerting; I'm not bored per se, I'm either listening but semi-awkwardly don't feel like making eye contact and have no other good place to look, or I'm thinking about something else.
ADD not only comes with inattentiveness and a lack of the ability to focus, but also what I'd like to call an extreme aversion to hard work. Motivation-wise, I know that if a task is difficult, it becomes exceedingly hard to want to finish it, just because one can't get it out of their head how hard, long, and complex the task is. Take any long EE homework I have to to. The problems we often have are very long, multi-step problems. Running into roadblocks or snags in the process of doing these problems is extremely frustrating and flustering, causing a lot of wasted time and repetition of problem-statement checking, fact checking, etc. It also happens where I will want to do literally anything but the complex problem before me. Don't get me wrong here, I do really like being organized, neat, and having a clean living environment, but I will literally want to clean my room, get everything organized, in shape, dusted, folded, etc, then finish my work.
Because of all these factors, the amount of work I have to put in to keep up with everyone else, the extreme struggling I have to do to just merely stay afloat, is exhausting. Nobody realizes how heartbreaking and angering it is to see people succeed in school and life with so little effort compared to the amount I put in. It nearly puts me to tears seeing people getting A's and B's on tests they barely studied for while I'm getting C's and D's while working my ass off. It feels like I'm a supercar on ice: I feel like I have a ton of brainpower, but most of the time I just sit here, wheels spinning, struggling to apply any of it.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refuse to realize ADD/ADHD is a real and serious disorder. I can brush off the "I'm so ADD"-like remarks no problem, but when people really believe that this condition is nothing more than making excuses for being lazy or stupid, it makes me sad. ADD/ADHD is genetic - my youngest brother also struggles. Much more so than I have. I have no idea how I would have coped with the way I felt throughout college at the elementary level; to fathom struggling at that critical foundational level of education is chilling.
I think that's all I'm willing to say on the subject for now. Maybe more later. I don't know if this has been shocking, informative, or boring to you. This is just what I deal with.
I'll quote wikipedia here first: "ADHD-PI is similar to the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, and forgetfulness; where it differs is in lethargy - fatigue, and having fewer or no symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic."
You may notice that I seem either shy, distant, or distracted. These are all true. Yes, I do have that stare-off-into-space look that I am caught frequently doing. Sure, I have a 50/50 shot that I'm still absorbing outside information while in that "pose." (Not to further any ADD stereotypes, but I left my dresser open and my cat jumped inside and started mewing at me, so cute! Just had to comment on that.) I'm sorry if this seems disconcerting; I'm not bored per se, I'm either listening but semi-awkwardly don't feel like making eye contact and have no other good place to look, or I'm thinking about something else.
ADD not only comes with inattentiveness and a lack of the ability to focus, but also what I'd like to call an extreme aversion to hard work. Motivation-wise, I know that if a task is difficult, it becomes exceedingly hard to want to finish it, just because one can't get it out of their head how hard, long, and complex the task is. Take any long EE homework I have to to. The problems we often have are very long, multi-step problems. Running into roadblocks or snags in the process of doing these problems is extremely frustrating and flustering, causing a lot of wasted time and repetition of problem-statement checking, fact checking, etc. It also happens where I will want to do literally anything but the complex problem before me. Don't get me wrong here, I do really like being organized, neat, and having a clean living environment, but I will literally want to clean my room, get everything organized, in shape, dusted, folded, etc, then finish my work.
Because of all these factors, the amount of work I have to put in to keep up with everyone else, the extreme struggling I have to do to just merely stay afloat, is exhausting. Nobody realizes how heartbreaking and angering it is to see people succeed in school and life with so little effort compared to the amount I put in. It nearly puts me to tears seeing people getting A's and B's on tests they barely studied for while I'm getting C's and D's while working my ass off. It feels like I'm a supercar on ice: I feel like I have a ton of brainpower, but most of the time I just sit here, wheels spinning, struggling to apply any of it.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refuse to realize ADD/ADHD is a real and serious disorder. I can brush off the "I'm so ADD"-like remarks no problem, but when people really believe that this condition is nothing more than making excuses for being lazy or stupid, it makes me sad. ADD/ADHD is genetic - my youngest brother also struggles. Much more so than I have. I have no idea how I would have coped with the way I felt throughout college at the elementary level; to fathom struggling at that critical foundational level of education is chilling.
I think that's all I'm willing to say on the subject for now. Maybe more later. I don't know if this has been shocking, informative, or boring to you. This is just what I deal with.
Friday, February 3, 2012
ADD and me, part 1
I don't really like to share this with everyone I meet. It's not something that just comes up in casual conversation, even with most of my friends. There's some stigma that Attention Deficit Disorder is either made up, not a real problem, or a cry for attention. Believe me when I say it is a very real thing. Trust me when I say you've known someone who has struggled with it. It's me.
I like to feel I am very self-sufficient. I like being able to solve things on my own. For the longest time, I refused to ask for any help. I don't feel like it was an act of avoiding showing weakness, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. Whether it's doing a homework problem, a financial situation, a decision I have to make, I never liked having to ask for help.
Then I started struggling. School. Grades. Life.
I finally woke up and realized that I needed help. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far, but also probably the most significant. To this day, I still feel like I would have failed out of the college of engineering without some sort of intercession. Yes, that serious.
For me, I never struggled throughout grade school with anything. I was reading in kindergarten. I was getting scolded for finishing novels before the rest of the class had finished a handful of chapters. I had to do the stupid math computer programs all by myself in the library because I "graduated out" of the ones the rest of the class was in. I was always held up as one of the smart kids. I was in some weird program that had me take the SAT when I was in the 7th and 8th grades (sure I got a combined 1000/1600, but come on...). I went to one of the most academically challenging high schools in the state, graduated with a 3.5 overall. No real problems there. I really should stop sounding like I'm trying to brag...Then I hit a wall. Sure, high school was challenging, I had to put a lot of work into learning and finishing homework (but hours and hours of homework each night was expected at where I attended).
That wall. Whatever it was, I wasn't used to it. Everybody always said you shouldn't expect college to be as easy as high school. This, somehow, was different. I was having trouble absorbing and remembering the most basic concepts. The calculus series was hell for me. We could go topic to topic, and I would feel that I understood what was going on. Get to exams, completely blank. I often describe my learning disability is like having memory gaps: I literally can have no recollection of what I've learned. Because of this, I am an extremely proficient note-taker. Firstly, it helps me keep on task by having a constant activity to keep me engaged in doing something. Second, because of these gaps in my memory, it is extremely helpful to have plentiful examples. Lastly, I completely forgot my other point in the process of writing this paragraph. Maybe it will come back to me later. All I can say is that it really, really sucks.
I can do well enough to fake it. That's why the doctors were so surprised. Usually patients with these issues can only cover it up for so long before the cracks begin to show - for someone to get to college before collapsing was a large abnormality. And yes, I will use the word collapse. My education, my being, my entire life was being built with shoddy materials. It was a losing battle, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. Seeking help finally saved me. The stress, the pain, the frustration was unreal. Maybe eventually I can talk about that more. With ROTC and the extra classes I was taking, I was pulling 20, 21, even 22 credit hours, and barely keeping it together. In my process of getting help, I planned to spread my curriculum out to graduate in 5 years.
Spreading my curriculum, seeing a psychologist, and starting medication saved my academic career. It saved my sanity. It saved my life. I will say with absolute certainty that this is not a prevented-suicide "saved my life;" that thought has luckily never, ever entered my head. Instead, I became a mostly reclusive video gamer. I look back upon most of my college social career with extreme regret. Yes, I had plenty enough friends and aquaintances, but I feel like I neved did anything. Outside of the digital realm, I was non-existent. All I did was play video games with that tight circle of friends, and hardly anything else. Not to offend any of you who fall into the afforementioned circle, of course. I just feel like, although I had plenty of fun, those were somehow empty years.
My senior year here at college, I've really fallen out of the whole gaming scene. I still play games new and old, but not as much as before. I've met new friends, I do things for entertainment outside of my computer chair, and study and work harder at learning than I ever have before. I've changed. I hope for the better. Some have noticed. I've worried some. I've forgotten some. I'm sorry for some.
I recently added up all of the "calendar hours" (timeslots that I am committed to be doing something) that I have in this, my last, term. Between 18 credit hours, 11 hours of work, and senior design, I have 40 total hours every week. Yes, forty. This is BEFORE any homework, studying, or projects outside of senior design. Remembering how I struggle, and how it takes me much longer to finish any tasks, and you have a recipe for stress! I disappear for hours to complete tasks that should only take one. I can't concentrate late at night; instead I wake up early to get work done. I'm still recovering from a 5-hours-of-sleep-night followed by a wake up at 6 am to get work done on a day that went from 6 am to 4:30 pm with no breaks in between engagements.
It's the little things in life that are the best. Although I really like to think myself as a forward-thinker, I really tend to live in the immediate moment. I like to have plans, but improvisation is one of my strongest suits. I think it comes with the condition. I can often describe what it's like as my brain going too fast for me to keep up. Mumbling, slight stuttering, dyslexic-like mistakes, they all happen because I can't articulate quickly enough what my brain is spewing forth. It's really frustrating to have two or three great thoughts at once, and lose one, two, or even all of them at once just because I can't get them out before they slip away. I was once told that if you interrupt ADD people while they're doing something and ask them to do something else, one of those 2 things wont get done. Sometimes both. This is very true.
Before I ignore my homework any further, and before I write a textbook, I shall stop for this post. More on this subject will come later. My hand hovers over the publish button. Nobody knows I'm writing this. Submit. It's done now.
I like to feel I am very self-sufficient. I like being able to solve things on my own. For the longest time, I refused to ask for any help. I don't feel like it was an act of avoiding showing weakness, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. Whether it's doing a homework problem, a financial situation, a decision I have to make, I never liked having to ask for help.
Then I started struggling. School. Grades. Life.
I finally woke up and realized that I needed help. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far, but also probably the most significant. To this day, I still feel like I would have failed out of the college of engineering without some sort of intercession. Yes, that serious.
For me, I never struggled throughout grade school with anything. I was reading in kindergarten. I was getting scolded for finishing novels before the rest of the class had finished a handful of chapters. I had to do the stupid math computer programs all by myself in the library because I "graduated out" of the ones the rest of the class was in. I was always held up as one of the smart kids. I was in some weird program that had me take the SAT when I was in the 7th and 8th grades (sure I got a combined 1000/1600, but come on...). I went to one of the most academically challenging high schools in the state, graduated with a 3.5 overall. No real problems there. I really should stop sounding like I'm trying to brag...Then I hit a wall. Sure, high school was challenging, I had to put a lot of work into learning and finishing homework (but hours and hours of homework each night was expected at where I attended).
That wall. Whatever it was, I wasn't used to it. Everybody always said you shouldn't expect college to be as easy as high school. This, somehow, was different. I was having trouble absorbing and remembering the most basic concepts. The calculus series was hell for me. We could go topic to topic, and I would feel that I understood what was going on. Get to exams, completely blank. I often describe my learning disability is like having memory gaps: I literally can have no recollection of what I've learned. Because of this, I am an extremely proficient note-taker. Firstly, it helps me keep on task by having a constant activity to keep me engaged in doing something. Second, because of these gaps in my memory, it is extremely helpful to have plentiful examples. Lastly, I completely forgot my other point in the process of writing this paragraph. Maybe it will come back to me later. All I can say is that it really, really sucks.
I can do well enough to fake it. That's why the doctors were so surprised. Usually patients with these issues can only cover it up for so long before the cracks begin to show - for someone to get to college before collapsing was a large abnormality. And yes, I will use the word collapse. My education, my being, my entire life was being built with shoddy materials. It was a losing battle, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. Seeking help finally saved me. The stress, the pain, the frustration was unreal. Maybe eventually I can talk about that more. With ROTC and the extra classes I was taking, I was pulling 20, 21, even 22 credit hours, and barely keeping it together. In my process of getting help, I planned to spread my curriculum out to graduate in 5 years.
Spreading my curriculum, seeing a psychologist, and starting medication saved my academic career. It saved my sanity. It saved my life. I will say with absolute certainty that this is not a prevented-suicide "saved my life;" that thought has luckily never, ever entered my head. Instead, I became a mostly reclusive video gamer. I look back upon most of my college social career with extreme regret. Yes, I had plenty enough friends and aquaintances, but I feel like I neved did anything. Outside of the digital realm, I was non-existent. All I did was play video games with that tight circle of friends, and hardly anything else. Not to offend any of you who fall into the afforementioned circle, of course. I just feel like, although I had plenty of fun, those were somehow empty years.
My senior year here at college, I've really fallen out of the whole gaming scene. I still play games new and old, but not as much as before. I've met new friends, I do things for entertainment outside of my computer chair, and study and work harder at learning than I ever have before. I've changed. I hope for the better. Some have noticed. I've worried some. I've forgotten some. I'm sorry for some.
I recently added up all of the "calendar hours" (timeslots that I am committed to be doing something) that I have in this, my last, term. Between 18 credit hours, 11 hours of work, and senior design, I have 40 total hours every week. Yes, forty. This is BEFORE any homework, studying, or projects outside of senior design. Remembering how I struggle, and how it takes me much longer to finish any tasks, and you have a recipe for stress! I disappear for hours to complete tasks that should only take one. I can't concentrate late at night; instead I wake up early to get work done. I'm still recovering from a 5-hours-of-sleep-night followed by a wake up at 6 am to get work done on a day that went from 6 am to 4:30 pm with no breaks in between engagements.
It's the little things in life that are the best. Although I really like to think myself as a forward-thinker, I really tend to live in the immediate moment. I like to have plans, but improvisation is one of my strongest suits. I think it comes with the condition. I can often describe what it's like as my brain going too fast for me to keep up. Mumbling, slight stuttering, dyslexic-like mistakes, they all happen because I can't articulate quickly enough what my brain is spewing forth. It's really frustrating to have two or three great thoughts at once, and lose one, two, or even all of them at once just because I can't get them out before they slip away. I was once told that if you interrupt ADD people while they're doing something and ask them to do something else, one of those 2 things wont get done. Sometimes both. This is very true.
Before I ignore my homework any further, and before I write a textbook, I shall stop for this post. More on this subject will come later. My hand hovers over the publish button. Nobody knows I'm writing this. Submit. It's done now.
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