Faith

Born and raised Roman Catholic. Catholic schooling kindergarten through high school. My entire immediate extended family is Catholic; never have I known anything else. Yet, I think I view my faith in a very different manner than most. I struggle with it all the time.

It is one of my strongest convictions in life, that questioning IS faith. Now this may call to mind the story of "Doubting Thomas" (somewhere in John, I think). I guess I could say that I kind of mirror St. Thomas in a few respects. I have a very analytical and scientific mind - I do not take anything for granted without internalizing it first. Because of the way I approach things, "blind faith" is an extremely foreign concept to me. I cannot come to accept things without struggling with them first. Kudos to you who can accept their faith for what it is. For me, fighting it, and fighting for it, is faith.

Recently I've been questioning where I've been going in life. I've said that this will be the biggest year of my life. I will finally be out of the academic world, and into the real world - the biggest change in my life so far. Throughout this process of "growing up," I've really become nervous. I feel like I've changed so much this past year, some for good, some for bad. I've grown out of old things, started new things, met new friends, have ignored old ones all too often. I've made big changes in how I view life, and what I do with mine. Recently I've been doing the whole "Why me?" thing in regards to my relationship with God.

Shit happens. I like that phrase. Things happen that are out of our control. For the most part, I've learned to not  worry about the things I cannot change. Still, the stark realization that I will graduate in 3 months, completely on my own for the very first time, is terrifying. So much throughout my college career could have gone so much more differently; now I'm trying to come to terms with myself that I shouldn't live with any regret for things that have or haven't happened. And it's difficult. This is where the "why me?" comes in. A few months ago, a good part of any communication with God that I've had has been of the "why me?" form. Name something that hasn't gone right for me? "Why me?"

This all comes back to my questioning nature. Maybe it's part of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' Theory of DABDA. I've certainly been in denial about a lot of things recently. I'm the least angry person I know. There has certainly been a lot of bargaining recently, too. There's been some depression for sure. Getting to that acceptance stage, eventually. I've been struggling with coming to terms with a lot of things, all asking "Why me?"

Recently, each week at church, it seems like I've been getting a small piece of the puzzle. A reading here, a homily there, an insight while praying. I haven't gotten answers to any of my questions, not directly at least. Instead, I've been getting ways to change my outlook on things. I've been slowly transitioning from a "Why me?" attitude to a "What are you going to do about it?" attitude. Part of the skeptical in me says in the back of my mind that this is just a coping mechanism - if God really wanted to say something to you, he'd say it. Maybe it is a coping mechanism. God talks to different people in different ways. Whatever it is, I'm on my own path with God, and I am (reluctantly, hopefully, nervously, anxiously, excitedly) moving forward. 

As hard as it is to accept these things that I cannot change, I'm getting there. 

As hard as it is to raise above the noise and confusion that is my extremely busy last semester, I'm getting there.

As hard as it is to accept a plan for my future, I'm getting there. 

Maybe "Why me?" was the right question. Examining this question has helped me much more than any other question I've asked myself. It has led to many other questions, and a few answers on its own. I can't keep from asking questions. 

Maybe questioning IS faith. Maybe I just need to find the right questions.