Happy face

It is very me to put on a happy face in spite of what's going on inside.

Take my senior design. Morale is at an all-time low. It's not a slight against my teammates' abilities when I say this, but I feel if I personally don't come through with a big breakthrough, we're going to be in trouble. I'm worried about so many contingencies that nobody else has thought of, I'm trying to help others with portions of the design, my portions are suffering - it's all a mess. We put in enormous amounts of effort day-in and day-out for little to no measurable gain. Morale is low, people are disillusioned, and if I stop that happy-face stubborn bulldog I-don't-ever-quit attitude, everything will fall apart. We all feel the same way, but instead of letting negativity show, I keep going. I can't quit. When everyone around me is pessimistic, I keep running. I keep the happy face. The stress is overwhelming.

I don't know how to do anything else, though. I may fail. I may lose. I may suffer setbacks. I don't ever, EVER quit. It's not a cliche thing, like "losing isn't in my vocabulary," because it certainly is. I know that too well, too often. My life has been full of second-place finishes. Almost A-team finishes. "You're a great guy, but..." finishes. Close, but not there, finishes. What I try to live by, though, comes from the words of Gene Kranz, the NASA flight director during the Apollo 13 disaster. "Failure is not an option." Bad things happen, but I don't ever accept them; I never accept failure as a final option. I won't accept it. I can't accept it.

It's a great character flaw to have (half-sarcasm). I've hurt people because I don't know when to give up. I've hurt other peoples' perception of me because I keep coming back for more, even though I'm playing a losing game. I've hurt myself, being too proud to ask for help. It's still a strength, I think, just one that comes with its consequences.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for this whole semester. Rarely a day goes by where I'm not up at 6 AM, working on something. Most days I have class+work breakfast to dinner straight, with no breaks in between. Then more homework, studying and senior design. I spend many more hours than my peers, alone, struggling for mediocre grades. I might see my friends once or twice. From wakeup to bedtime there's hardly a waking moment of rest. My video games don't exist anymore, I don't get to watch TV with friends anymore. I work myself to exhaustion every night, and wake up earlier the next day to get more done. It's dark. I have to fight myself for every inch. I don't know how much longer I'm supposed to keep this up. I just have to keep going for a few more months, until I graduate.

Somehow, I always find a way. :)