Living with ADD

No pun intended here, but I've been getting distracted from writing this for a bit :P

I encourage you to read this and this and this if you haven't first. This article is cited later.

As a note, I tend to say ADD. That term has not been "officially" used (by the DSM) since 1994. The disorders ADD and ADHD have been lumped into the general ADHD term, where there are different subdivisions or categories of ADHD.  There is ADHD-PH (predominantly hyperactive, your stereotypical hyper-kid), ADHD-PI ( predominantly inattentive , your "old ADD," which I have) and ADHD-C (combination of PH and PI). So technically I was diagnosed with ADHD-PI (I don't exhibit enough of the PH symptoms to be considered ADHD-C), but I call it ADD to everybody because I'm not hyper (usually :P )

I'm hardly an expert now being just through my second week fifth week (see that distracted thing?) of my first "real" (i.e. non-summer) job, but I thought I'd start writing about dealing with ADD outside of school. Get this snowball rolling, see how big it can get, eh?

One thing I hate to hear is "I'm so ADD today." It's just not cool. Nobody says I'm so autistic today, or I'm so multiple sclerosis today. Too many people think they have ADD because they are easily distracted, or are too lazy to put forth a good effort. This disorder is so much more complex than just "mere" inattentiveness; it effects every facet of one's life.

What most people don't realize is that ADD is not pure inattentiveness, but rather a large combination of things that's symptoms primarily manifest in inattentiveness. I'll give my best analogy: ADD is like being in front of a wall of TV screens, each with different shows being played. You want to watch one of those screens in particular. ADD is the inability to tune out the other televisions. The ADD brain literally lacks the ability to filter out new information. Something pops up, it must be given attention now!

One of my biggest issues is a very poor "working memory" (wikipedia link). Basically, your working memory is your active, short-term memory. It's what allows you to add 1+2+3+4 and remember that 1+2 is 3 while you're adding 3 +4. It's what allows you to plan out your next sentence or two, while still remembering what sentence you're currently vocalizing. It's what lets you remember that your phone is on the counter while you're packing your lunch. These are all things I have trouble with. When you have problems with working memory, you have issues holding on to thoughts; it's almost like your memory "clears" itself. Let's say I'm adding 27 + 36 + 58 + 67. Do that in your head. I can guarantee you just did it at least twice as fast as I can. Why? Say I start to add 27 and 36 first. You should get 63. Good. Now go on to the next addition. Do whatever you want next. Say you add the 63 we just got to 58. That's 121. Add 121 to 67 to get 188. Simple math, any fourth grader should be able to do this stuff. I have a terrible time with it mentally. I have to do it on paper. The way my brain works, I simply have the worst time holding on to the the fact that 27 and 36 is 63 while at the same time adding something else. As soon as the brain goes on to the next task, it's as if the first one never happened! Now imagine dealing with tracing electrical subsystems like this (I'm fully aware of what building this is, it was the first plan I could find that was comparable in size to what I work with) at work every day, hour after hour...it's tiring!

That speech thing. Yeah, if you know me, you've definitely noticed I sometimes have trouble just spitting out a single thought. I've often described it as my brain going much too fast for my mouth to keep up with. I have issues getting out my current sentence when I'm thinking of what the next one is going to be. Maybe that's why I prefer to write and type and text and chat your ears (eyes?) off, rather than talk or speak on the phone. That forgetting things thing? Happens to me not as often as it could, mainly because of some compensation habits I've formed over the years. Ever wonder why I'm very, very neat, organized, and have everything clean? It's a compensation habit I formed to counter forgetting things and losing things. Everything of mine has its own specific place, and I know exactly where it is. If it gets moved, I am lost.

Things like my mom moving my lunchbag from the kitchen table to the stand next to the door in the morning - when it gets moved, it just ceases to exist in my mind. If there's a lunchbag where I last put it, I will remember it. If not, I tend to forget I ever packed it until I was halfway to school. Remember those times where I swore that I did something, over and over, but then later realize that I was talking about a different thing? Remember when I call one video game character by another name, over and over, but am actively thinking about the first one? Remember when I keep saying that I passed that restaurant the other day, and know exactly where I'm going, but only get corrected when I'm going in the wrong direction? I had the perfect directions, but I was thinking of wrong restaurant the whole time, even though we were talking about it on the way?

This also happens with homework, chores, a to-do list, you name it. I might walk in the door and tell you I'll do the dishes, but if I get distracted by something else, say a phone call, I will forget about the dishes until something clearly and loudly reminds me. To-do lists are both good and bad. I keep a small notebook on me almost 100% of the time in which I write down little things that randomly pop into my head ("buy tissues," "pay this bill," "call grandma," etc.) during the day. I would totally forget them otherwise, but writing things down is hardly a guarantee of them getting done.

Procrastination is a huge issue. You may say to me "but all people procrastinate! Especially students!" Good for them! When you're like me, procrastination is a serious issue. It isn't driven by laziness, or wanting to watch tv instead of finishing that assignment. It is driven (mainly) by an intense psychological aversion to tasks I perceive as difficult. For every hour you put into a homework assignment, imagine it taking you two, or three. That's me. Imagine for every set of forms you filled out, for every bit of studying you had to do, you had to work twice as long to get the same results. That's me. Now imagine a terrible, self-loathing downward spiral as your frustration builds in these tasks that are taking just too damn long. That's once again, me. The ability to re-focus on anything at that point is practically zero. Procrastination also comes with that huge adrenaline rush when you're right up against the deadline, working hard to finish your task. That helps get things done, and becomes a crutch. "Oh, I can do it later; it'll get done because it has to!"

Another related area is time management. I don't track time well. But I manage time very well. You give me an hour to get ready in the morning, I will take the exact and full hour. You give me 10 minutes to be out the door, I will be out in exactly 10 minutes. I'm capable of both. Other things, though, don't fare so well. Things without a specific time requirement are the devil! Read this book, go on the internet, clean your room. Things I think will take 30 minutes end up taking an hour, or two, or three. Writing this post took forever!

Quoting Dr. Hallowell's article I linked at the top of this post. I could paraphrase these thoughts, but they are so true and clear-cut that I'm just going to leave them as-is:

"In other ways it's like being supercharged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that, which makes it really hard to stay on task. "

"What is it like to have ADHD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADHD, this does not happen. In ADHD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADHD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top."

"Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the short cut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel."

"These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADHD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions."

And finally, this is so very true. It's so true it hurts.

"What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted. The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADHD can be avoided or contained."

Life makes it nearly impossible to focus on my strengths, or to even see them. I just have to work my hardest with what I've got, to keep up.